THE Most Awaited Day!

After a few days and weeks of anxious waiting, I finally receive a text message – a confirmation that a decision has been made but whether that decision is a YES (we’re good to go!) or a NO (which will be utterly devastating, heartbreaking and completely disappointing!) is yet to be seen. Until I hold that very thing in my hands and see what I (along with my husband and daughter) so desperately and eagerly HOPE to see, the suspense right now is enough to drive me crazy, restless, suspended and all-shivery.

It is THE most awaited day because the decision I receive will be completely life-changing. As I hope and trust in my Father’s love, faithfulness and promises in receiving a favorable and positive decision, in the dark recesses of mind are those slivers of dark doubts and fears, thoughts of ‘what if’s…..’ I cannot bear to think of these ‘what if’s’. If I allow myself to dwell on them, they are definitely enough to obliterate whatever hope remains in my heart. It is beyond heartbreaking. It is depressing!

This life-changing decision at this point (still unknown as I wait for it to be delivered) will either move us forward or take us backward and bring us back to square one, the latter being definitely undesirable and loathsome.

There are other challenges after this but I take it one day and one step at a time. I must face THIS most awaited day first and from there, determine by asking God’s help, wisdom and favor once again to overcome the next challenges.

At this point, I am totally dependent on God and God alone – His mercy, grace, strength, wisdom and provision for EVERYTHING we need.

And I have nothing except God’s promises and faithful words to hold on to. Literally nothing. This time around, whatever happens beginning with the result of the decision is and only will be because of God’s grace and faithfulness.

Mind-boggling as it may seem as to how and where the rest will come but one thing I know, if it is God’s will and purpose, He will provide. I remember an inspirational quote mentioned to me a few times by sisters and friends in the Lord, “Where God leads, He provides.”

This particular season in my life will literally be all dependent on God’s provision. I know and admit I messed up big time on one area and should have been more responsible and wise, should have heeded His promptings, but though it sounds cliche, the ‘should haves’ are really all water under the bridge, there’s really no going back and mulling over them is pointless and unproductive. I can only move forward learning this terrible but huge lesson as I enter this new season in my life.

My constant prayer is that He sees me through each and every step of the way because this time, everything is really in my Father’s hands. By this I mean that I surrender everything to Him – there is nothing here in my situation and season that I have complete control of.

The story unfolds in the next couple of days. And below are just some of the promises I will have to keep claiming and praying aloud each day (as I have been doing the in the last couple of months!).

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Philippians 4:19

“And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.”

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Psalm 55:22

“Cast your burden on the Lord and He will sustain you, He will never let the righteous be shaken.”

Psalm 27: 13- 14

“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”

 

 

Dream Escape

In the stillness of the night,

Do you hear my voice

Calling out your name

Wishing you sweet good night?

Amidst both hushed voices and the noise

I gently whisper your name.

 

As you cuddle in your bed

And quietly close your eyes

Remember what I have said

In prayer does your soul find

Release from all the day’s troubles

Relief from the day’s thorns and stubbles.

 

In the midst of your deepest dreams

I pray we both are joyfully together

Away from the cares of reality

Unaware of time, but only of forever

For only in this can I hopefully

Hold you and have you, so it seems.

 

Isn’t it incredulous and incredible

That a feeling so persistent like this could exist?

One I never even thought at all possible

To be felt and experienced, I resist!

Great is the struggle, the tension too strong –

Pray’r that’s been uttered for far too long!

 

Can a song be sung without its melody?

Can the moon shine without the sun?

Can there be waves without the wind?

What is this thing that speaks to me,

That touches my heart like nothing can?

It comes and seeks me unceasingly!

 

And yet when I try to reach out

As a flower would towards the sun,

I grasp nothing but empty air –

In pain I cry and shout,

But he does not hear

Nor does he care.

 

So I retreat to my world of silence

Where nothing is seen, heard nor spoken,

Better to have the empty, lonely absence

Than seek for a far-reaching heart

That can never be given!

 

But here in my dreams we meet,

The only place I dare to visit,

Where anything and everything is possible,

Where hopes and prayers join and meet

Where the world is bright and beautiful.

(West Jakarta, 7 January ’05, 3.30 am)

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My Father’s Heart

Jeremiah 31:3 (NIV)

The Lord appeared to us in the past saying, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.”

Isaiah 55:6 (CEV) “Turn to the Lord! He can still be found. Call out to God! He is near.”

(NIV) “Seek the Lord while He may be found; call upon Him while He is near.”

Jeremiah 29:13 (NIV) “And you will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart.”

 

As you lay in your bed at night exhausted,

I sang the sweetest lullabies to soothe your spirit,

As you gratefully closed your weary eyes,

I gently and lovingly cradled you on your bed,

And yet, your felt Me not.

 

As you woke each morning to a new day,

I sent you a gentle, tender kiss in the morning breeze,

Showed you a breathtaking sunrise

To cheer and inspire you throughout the day,

The sun’s warmth to chase away

Your tears and sighs,

And still, you felt Me not.

 

I showed you the warmth of My love

In your mother’s eyes it shone!

‘Twas but a small measure of My great love –

To tell you that I cared as you have always known,

And yet, oblivious you were to Me.

 

In your sorrow and grief,

I was that friend

Who hugged you and held on

Tightly to your hand

That you would never dare let go

As you were meant to keep on

To laugh and dream, to hope and live!

I was that strong shoulder

You unabashedly wept on,

And yet, you did not know.

 

I would have gladly and joyfully

Given you the stars and more,

But you asked Me not for anything,

I was the Captain that steered your

Storm-battered ship safely to shore,

I was your Beacon when all the other

Lights sputtered and went out –

And yet, you remembered Me not.

 

I was that shred of persistent Hope

When all else in your life you doubted,

When it seemed you could not cope

I sent you joyful memories to be recounted –

Of good will and kindness, laughter and cheers,

Received from family and peers –

And still, you remembered Me not.

 

And now, as I sigh with

Longing for you to remember Me,

You knock at My door, so suddently

At first, timidly and hesitantly

And finally increasing in loudness

I knew you would come even before

You clasped your hands in prayer,

Long before your first tear

Fell from your pain-filled eyes,

You would come looking for Me.

 

I too felt the pain and hurt, even your ‘Why’s?’

And with all My mercy and tenderness

Surrounding you then, now and forever –

I am telling you again –

I have always been here for you.

(West Jakarta, 7 January ’05)

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Downpouring

Psalm 119:50 

(CEV) “When I am hurting,  I find comfort in your promise that leads to life.”

(NIV) “My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.”

(NKJV) “This is my comfort in my affliction, for Your word has given me life.”

Isaiah 26: 3- 4 (CEV)

“The Lord gives perfect peace to those whose faith is firm. So always trust the Lord because he is forever our mighty rock.”

 

As rain falls softly on the ground

So my tears come without a sound,

As the clouds grow ever so darker

So my heart gets fainter and heavier.

 

As water seeps into unseen crevices

Silently, fear and pain creeps up

To chase whatever’s left of promises,

And give in to gloom that would not stop.

 

Flashes of lightning, peals of thunder

Break forth from angry, sodden skies!

Torrential rain – ceaseless and growing stronger

As does the free-flowing tears from my eyes.

 

Let them fall! Sweep like an angry whirlpool,

As I soak myself wet under the rain,

So I drown and drench in tears that fall

And afterwards find release from all this pain!

 

For as the rain cleanses and sweeps away

The filth, dust, soot, grime and dirt,

So does my silent tears carry away

My heart’s heaviness, aches and hurt.

 

Soon after the deluge comes sweet peace –

A stillness and calm that brings hope,

Then a glimmer of ray you cannot miss

Appears in the sky – a reason for hope!

 

Indeed, after the downpour, the heavy rains

Comes rest, silence, comfort and peace –

Rays of sunlight warming the plains

As the glorious rainbow brings welcome bliss!

 

In this, my tears and the rain tell a story

That no one save my heart can tell,

After the rain comes the splendor and glory

After the tears, my heart does grow well.

 

(West Jakarta, 7 January ’05)

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Hideaway Adventures (Library Talk)

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I’ve always believed that literacy is where it all begins. The passion for learning begins with being able to read and eventually, to write. My teaching experience over many years also drove home one very important factor in literacy development and in raising children/students who are passionate readers and learners – that it all begins at home. But where it is lacking at home, the school as a whole can do something (many things, in fact given the resources) to develop a love for reading in our students.

However, teaching in a school where English is a second language, strengthening the reading program became one of the main concerns of all subject teachers, particularly those teaching English (Language and Communication Arts) including myself. How do we encourage and motivate students to develop a love for reading? How do we encourage and develop a strong reading culture in the school? These were some of the questions we faced when I spearheaded the Students’ Library Club. In fact, the club itself was created and organized for these reasons.

To get the member students completely immersed in the club they joined, we got them involved in the library revamp. They had hands on experience with grouping, sorting, classifying, labeling, re-arranging and stacking of all kinds of books from preschool to primary 6, fiction and non-fiction. This way, as student librarians, all of them were familiar with how their library was set up and could easily and happily guide their classmates and friends in locating books. They also had duty schedules and they all helped out the students in taking out and returning books. And as they were the ones who got to sort out, classify and cover newly-arrived books, they had the privilege of getting hold of fresh hot copies or what they called newly acquired books. That didn’t end there, they also got to promote these new arrivals to their friends and that sure helped spread the news as quickly as possible! They eagerly posted new titles on the notice board just outside the library.

It was always a pleasure to see kids rushing to the library because their student librarian friends had told them about such and such a book. Together with the daily morning DEAR/USSR (Drop Everything and Read/Uninterrupted Sustained Silent Reading) program that was conscientiously implemented in the school along with literary circles in reading classes, there was a significant improvement indeed in the reading culture among the students. Over time, parents got involved and were only too happy to support these programs. We invited book distributors for book fairs/festivals and book talks which were also warmly supported by the parents.

I don’t have the statistics to prove how effective these programs became but I have personally seen a lot of evidence namely:

1) Students becoming avid readers (or at the very least, reluctant readers regularly visiting the library and borrowing books)

2) Improvement in reading comprehension and writing (this came as a gradual progress that went over several years) as evidenced in better/improved scores in assessments

3) Most, if not all, students, attending the daily morning assembly for DEAR/USSR with books (either personal or borrowed from library) to read

4) More students visiting the library every day either during recess, lunch or dismissal and

5) More students borrowing books every day

So, to further encourage our student librarians and the whole primary school, I wrote this poem and it was also posted on the library notice board.

 

 

 

After school, we student librarians are busy as bees,

Going to and fro, moving and re-arranging,

On the chairs, on the floor, we’re everywhere!

Busy hands cutting, grouping, staking, sticking,

Hauling piles of books into a corner, gee whiz!

 

Pleased and delighted to find treasures inside,

Piles of mystery books and more to seek out,

The most wonderful school in place to hide?

The library is the coolest hideaway no doubt!

 

Here you get to time-travel like nowhere else,

From Azerbaijan, Timbuktu and to Zambia you go!

Countless topics from battery cells to plant cells,

Young investigators happily meet here, you know!

 

Bored, curious, eager, seeking, questioning minds,

We librarians gladly and joyfully welcome you all,

For ours is the only place with a thousand finds,

Where a thousand and one adventures beckon and call!

(West Jakarta – July ’04)

Questions

In preparation for another move, I had no choice but to sort out my remaining personal stuff and decide which of them I must keep and bring with me and what needs to go (mostly to be donated).

And to my surprise, aside from piles of photos (some of them even in black and white – yes, amazing how many years’ worth of them I didn’t know still existed!), documents and all, I found well-preserved copies of my more or less ‘prolific writing years’. Notebooks, school magazine clippings, scraps of papers, etc. Since I didn’t have a computer back then, my writings were either handwritten or typed. I have yet to go through each and every single one and I’m pretty sure years of memories will come flooding back to me – some funny and good, some definitely unpleasant but that’s the way life is. We don’t always get sunny days and rainbow-filled skies. Dark storms and dry seasons are just as  important for our personal growth and maturity.

I am sharing this poem here that I wrote many years ago and as I read it over and over trying to remember what inspired me to write this particular piece, a boy’s scowling face came to mind.

I remember how he hurt deep inside. He always preferred to be left alone. Others labeled him as anti-social, that he just couldn’t be bothered, couldn’t care less what everyone else said, did or got involved with. He hardly smiled much less engage with anyone in the class and no coaxing and encouragement got to him. Before Lady Gaga came out with the ‘Poker Face’ song, this boy’s face was exactly that. If it wasn’t that, it was scowling. Belligerent even. As if he was ready to pounce on anyone who dared him. Of course, nobody did. That was mainly because he also avoided his classmates as if they had the bubonic plague.

I was stumped. I just didn’t know how I could get through him. If I even could. But his face cried, “I’m seething inside. Please reach out to me.” It was by far one of my most challenging times as a class adviser.

I made small talk and for a long time, I didn’t get any answers. Just a look and then silence.

“Good morning… Good bye…See you tomorrow….Enjoy your weekend/holiday/break….How are you feeling today? Would you like to play with your classmates?” And all sorts of simple questions.

And finally, like a most beautiful and glorious sunrise breaking through the dark sky, he greeted me back, “Good morning, Ms.” I was soooo ecstatic with these three short words, so ordinary and yet so meaningful they just made my day! It made my heart smile! I remember silently thanking God for answering my prayers about this boy!

His love tank has been empty for as long as he could remember. “I’m a phantom at home. Nobody sees me, nobody hears me, nobody cares,” were his very own words. “I’m unwanted, nothing but a nuisance, an accident that happened.” From what I recall, he shared that his parents were almost always never at home (on business trips) and if they were, having meals together was as rare as a blue moon as he said. Despite the absence of affection and love at home, he was expected to obey and to never ask questions.

He was a good kid and quite smart, in fact but had no motivation to excel for obvious reasons. Counseling was eventually done to help him open up but reaching out to the parents was the hardest part. They just didn’t (or didn’t want to) have the time. The rest of his class rose to the occasion and became his encouragers. Bless their kind souls and accepting hearts!

And so, this is how the poem below was born.

 

 

 

I dare not ask for I am young

Early on I learned the world of silence

Questions have ceased, forever hung

Too soon I learned the word ‘obedience.’

 

And yet, give me the chance to ask, I plead

For so much needs to be spoken out loud

Like geysers wanting to burst forth

A thousand and one queries I hold and keep

In my young, wandering, ever-curious mind.

 

If peace they say makes the world go ’round

Then why do bombs, guns and terror abound?

If honorable men tirelessly seek peace for others,

Why isn’t there solace from all cares and troubles?

 

If love they say is the absence of hate

Why all these wars, a senseless, tragic fate!

Can love be the strongest force there is?

And yet here on Earth, it’s so terribly amiss!

 

If joy and mirth are life’s cheerful crowns,

Why all these murmurs, scowls and frowns?

Is life too harsh, too cruel and too unfair,

That no one else dares to care and share?

 

Forgive me now if I dared ask

And added yet another weary task

To a heart that’s so heavily-burdened

From all of life’s toils and hurts without end.

 

But one final puzzle frightens me the most

Haunting me endlessly like a terrifying ghost

A scary, frightening secret I dare to share

And give an answer, if you so dare.

 

If everyone is so much in dire need

Of sweet peace, warm love and joy so deep,

Who will listen, take awhile and heed?

Who’s left to hold me while I sleep?

 

What dreams do I dare to dream at night

When fearful shadows surround my fretful heart?

What lyrics and tune can my voice sing out

When horrid phantoms cloud whatever’s left of light?

 

Elisha (West Jakarta, ’04)

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God’s Touch on 5 Areas of Our Lives (Part 1)

(Excerpts from Crosswalk Women online devotional I read years ago and my personal reflection on God’s words – another ‘refresher’ for me as I had written this journal entry years ago though I made some changes as they apply to my current faith-journey. I’m thankful that I keep a record of a few very relevant, timeless and practical devotionals.)

Been reading up on and re-reading some devotionals. I have to admit that every article is worth reading and most definitely worth sharing. Not only that, the topics are, believe it or not, uncannily so timely most of the time. That is, based on my own personal experience.

I know that it’s one of the many ways by which God ‘speaks’ to me and shows me His way, reminder, will and yup, even His admonition. I don’t and have never claimed to be  ‘mature’ and awesome in my faith-walk. I’m a work in progress and like everyone else in this journey of life, I ‘press on towards the goal…’ No matter how tough and painful the road ahead is, I know that I’m NOT alone and for every weakness, struggle, pain, sighs, frustrations, doubts and fears – my Father’s presence is WITH me…surrounds and envelopes me….and His promise, ‘I shall never leave you nor forsake you’ rings true every single day.

Even if the day turns out to be such a total failure or even if I go through one of those ‘bad hair days,’ in the midst of it all, I STILL KNOW He is there. And each time I feel like giving up myself, I hear Him telling me, whispering to me….

‘It’s never too late. You’re not without hope. Surrender it all to Me. Let Me carry all that for you. Hey, I’m just a prayer away. I’m NOT giving up on you. My strength is made perfect in weakness. I will carry you through. I LOVE YOU with an everlasting love.’

Now who wouldn’t be moved, comforted, encouraged, strengthened, enlightened, assured? Such is the marvelous love and transforming power that God freely gives us – each and every time we acknowledge what we are, admit what we have done and aspire and strive to  try again, in His grace, by His wisdom and strength.

‘And you will seek Me and find Me IF you SEARCH for me with ALL your heart.’

‘Come to me, hear and your soul shall live.’

His words never fail to do and give so many awesome and wonderful things for His children. Incredible comfort. Perfect peace. Limitless joy.

“And you will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You.’

Thank you once again, Lord!

I share this article not just to my women friends but also to the guys. They’re really very basic and yet, as I was reading it, it really made me stop and think. It’s like ‘the heart of the matter’ rests in all these 5 main points and areas. And each one is so closely linked to each other that lack of one directly affects all other areas. And this is verified in God’s words :

‘For out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.’ (This verse alone refers to two areas working together.)

‘The heart is deceitful above all things. Who can know it?’

So, friends, read on. I hope that this will leave us thinking, reflecting, praying, thanking and praising God for His infinite wisdom through His words and yes, His constant and unchanging perfect love. 🙂

Five Areas of a Woman’s Life That Need God’s Touch (Cindi McMenamin)

My heart was convicted as I read in Scripture of a woman who was so desperate for God’s healing in her life, she was willing to do anything to just touch Him (Mark 5:24-34).

I had to ask myself, how desperate am I for God’s touch on my life? There are times I might be desperate to feel and look younger, to be thinner, to have more in the way of peace and happiness. But how desperate am I to be whole and complete in every way?

After surveying nearly 100 women, I found several common areas in which women, myself included, need the touch of God to be whole and complete. I also found that Scripture addresses these areas of a woman’s life so that we can receive His healing touch. See if you can relate to needing God’s touch in these areas of your life, as well:

1. Our Hearts – So They Can Be “Set On Things Above”

Women often stress over the temporal – bills that must be paid, whether or not a man will come into our lives, if we’ll be able to have a child, what someone is saying about us, how our body looks, and so on. At times we are more concerned about what the scales say than what God says. Our heart is closely attuned to our bank balance, rather than our life’s balance.

Yet God instructs us in Colossians 3:1-2:  “set your hearts on things above.”

If our priorities were in heaven, not on this earth, we would not only be happier and healthier, but less financially drained and emotionally spent. Matthew 6:19-21 tells us not to “store up treasures here on earth where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven ….For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

It takes God’s touch to clear our hearts of what this world says is important and focus it on the things above.

*** My thoughts: **

“For where your treasure is (What I love, prioritize, give emphasis on, repeatedly/habitually do, giving importance more than anything else….), there your heart will be also.”

Spot on! Oh the shallowness! Add to this worrying about tomorrow and the future when the day has enough of its own troubles. Or fooling ourselves into believing that we have control over things and just about everything that happens in our lives.

I for one, am not exactly spotless on this area!

God’s word says: ‘God searches the heart.’     “I, the Lord, search the heart.’

The state of my heart as God sees it now? Honestly? Goodness, I’m not going to pretend that everything is in its right places and everything is rosy and sweet! With all humility, I acknowledge that. I NEED my Father’s touch on this area of my life. He knows it. I know it. So why should I go about denying and pretending?

This is why my heart sings praises and I can with all honesty, truly say ‘Thank you’ each time. He knows exactly what I am grateful for. And I won’t tire of saying ‘I’m thankful’ because I truly am. It’s by His grace that I survive each day. And at the end of the day, even in the midst of my heart’s turmoil, I can and will still thank Him and ask Him yet again to hold on to me and to give me another chance. 

And I continue to pray that You remind me daily to SET my heart and mind on things above before anything else that my priorities are according to how You want them, Lord.

‘Set your heart on things above…’ Through it all, Lord – you know I will keep trying.

 

 

Stick to His Course, Live Bold

I’d like to share here an old journal entry but a very significant one where I wrote precious life lessons and many favorite Bible verses related to them. This was one of those major turning points in my life that once again reminded me (as it does now again!) of how tenacious our Father’s love is. Yes, I choose this word – tenacious. Because God’s love really is that. Despite being saved, we still tend to go back to our old selfish, sinful and stubborn ways and yet, He just won’t let go of us and leave us out cold. Well, perhaps He does that sometimes but not out of frustration, anger, desperation and desire to control or bring us to submission, but again, because of His goodness , grace and unceasing love for us.

As I re-read this old journal entry, I came upon this quote by Sharon Jaymes, one of my favorite writers in an online devotional, Girlfriends in God from Proverbs 31. It’s a very timely and perfect quote to remember today and open my post with.

“[God] is calling you to let go of your failure, move forward in all that He has for you to do, and live bold.” Sharon Jaynes

(TBT – The BIG Question then…)

22 December 2009

It’s late. I am leaving for home tomorrow at 12.10 am and will arrive at 4.40 am. A killer flight – that is, I’d have to stay up late. I really should have been sleeping hours ago but as usual, sleep eludes me. Drinking Pepsi or Coke or even coffee isn’t the cause here. The caffeine contents don’t affect my sleeping habit or time at all.

All these crazy thoughts as usual. Not exactly crazy. I do know and realize that these thoughts are serious, legitimate and well worth pondering on. Truth is, I’ve been going through them over and over in my head – pondering, wondering, reflecting, analyzing, rationalizing. Add to that praying!

All this pondering is what drives me nuts! Why am I getting seriously and constantly bothered? Now this is another thing that confounds me. Where and how do I begin?

(About 2 years later, below was my reflection on that BIG question!)

Hmmm….looking back! Why oh why indeed!

First was God’s whisper. Looking back and reading those entries, I realize now that ‘being bothered’ was God’s warning whisper to me. He was in fact ringing the alarm bell, raising the red flag but at that time, I couldn’t quite put a finger to the ‘what’ and the ‘why.’ God knew all along (of course!) that everything just wasn’t right and I, foolish and stubborn me, was only beginning to have an ‘inkling’ and a bird’s eye view of the whole picture! I clearly recall having that feeling of being under and completely surrounded by dark clouds and I was literally (well, as the unfolding events would later show and prove!) overshadowed! That heavy feeling, this sense of dread and constant turmoil in both my heart and mind. Something was clearly amiss and I kind of had that disturbing certainty that things would gradually unfold, my questions answered and my doubts proven.

So I clearly remember praying repeatedly since then (struggling in prayer is more like it!) and even when January 2010 came, for God to show me and give me a clear indication regarding this personal concern. I especially asked God to show me the way and His will regarding this area.

“Wisdom and discernment as to relationship and God’s will and plan in this.” (as written in my prayer requests and 2010 goals – well, all water under the bridge so to speak – goal achieved and prayers answered! Praise and thanks be to God for this indeed!)

Oh and He did! Not in whispers as what He had previously given me. This time around, the answers came in SHOUTOUTS! They literally flooded and caught me unaware. Though I admit I had somehow ‘known’ and ‘felt’ that something of this magnitude would come, that it was all a matter of time. That my Father, with His holy and unconditional love, would have to jolt me with His lightning bolt as Zeus would in Greek mythology, to bring me to my senses and yes, to my knees! I’m not saying that God fancies electrifying His children. Certainly not in the literal sense!

I know God always honors the intents of our hearts and rushes quickly to those who cry out to Him for anything – help, guidance, comfort and assurance, encouragement, strength, wisdom, enlightenment and more! As a very good and close friend put it, God knows that my heart’s intent and motive was honest, good and sincere and tough love had to be given. And sometimes, we all have to learn His lessons the hard way because He’s left with no other option. He loves us so much and He alone knows the best way to deal with us – our pride, foolishness, weaknesses, willfulness and all. And oh! How stubborn we can be at times!

I’m truly grateful for God’s words, prayers (mine, my family and chosen friends!), encouragement, affirmations and comfort extended to me by God (through my close friends and sisters in Christ), and most of all – His own unique way of intervening and stepping in, taking action, putting His foot down, whatever you may call it. It’s His very tangible way of proving to us and showing us without unquestionable certainty that HE IS a LIVING GOD! That He’s not some distant, strange, hands-off deity or person. He showed me, throughout all those circumstances, that He answers prayers and that He is INVOLVED in our lives. That He cares enough to intervene even if it means bringing us pain. In this case, it’s a pain caused by an unwise choice and decision in the first place, for NOT heeding that ‘still small voice’ – which happens to be our conscience, the Holy Spirit, our Helper and Guide.

‘Do not quench the Spirit,’ as one Bible verse says (1 Thessalonians 5:19) and oh, this is one consequence when we do exactly that! ‘Quenching God’s Spirit’whose main task is to wave the red flag and to sound the alarm! Not only was I deaf and blind, my downfall was that of ‘assuming and deciding for myself’ that it was a ‘step of faith’!

Going back to 1 Thes. 5:19, ‘Quench’ in this context means ‘ignoring’, ‘not heeding,’ ‘turning a deaf ear’, ‘disregarding’, ‘putting out’ and more.

How could I have fooled myself into believing that something good, lasting, honorable and beautiful can come out of questionable motives, shady intentions, lies, secrecies and deceptions on one side and disobedience (on my side!)?

‘Wait on the Lord…’  ‘Delight yourself in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of your heart.’

I certainly didn’t do much on the waiting. I should have waited even more! And it brings to mind a significant comment that a sister in Christ told me even in the beginning.

A lot of truths and realizations here really and looking back now, I am more than glad and thankful (gee..how many times must I say this? As often as I can remember, Lord so I don’t easily forget) that He brought me out of that ‘miry pit’ and made me realize my own foolishness, willfulness and pride at attempting to control this area in my life when clearly, it’s out of my league!

I am smiling now as I write this down and I can almost (almost!) distinctly hear God say, ‘I told you so.’ LOL!! Now I am laughing hard! And of course, I am grateful for this sense of humor! It keeps me sane, grounded and sober!

The fact that the 8-sesisons in Life Group deal with ‘Life’s Healing Choices’ is again God-designed and God-willed. It isn’t by accident that I’ve been given this opportunity. I know it’s God’s way (again!) of reaching out to me (and everyone else who’s brave enough to admit their lives are unmanageable without God!) and making sure I get the exact help I need!

Isn’t our Father an absolute sweetheart? Very thoughtful, wise and all-knowing. ‘Give it to me, let me handle everything!’ God tells me this. And through those circumstances, He did literally pull out the shades from my eyes and made me see oh-so-clearly what I should’ve seen in the beginning! And I pride myself on my 20-20 vision! See???? Pride…

Vision both spiritually and physically, as it turned out, wasn’t exactly 20-20! Far from it!

(NKJV) Isaiah 55:8 is a sobering reminder we all need to PUT to MEMORY (especially BEFORE making a decision!):

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.“For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts Your thoughts.” (One of my favorite and well-known verses which I sadly disregarded at that time! Sigh…)

And I add a few more! Still from Isaiah 55 but verses 2-3 (NKJV)

“Listen diligently to Me, and eat what is good, and let your soul delight itself in abundance.Incline your ear, and come to Me. Hear, and your soul shall live.”

It’s all about Him, my Father…certainly not about me! Again, I share these thoughts and reflections simply as a proof that God is ACTIVELY involved in His children’s lives and has COMPLETE knowledgeable of everything about us – whether or not we admit it.  To remind myself of God’s work in my life….that He is constantly refining me, putting me under the heat that I may, by His grace and His Spirit, slowly evolve into someone He wants me to be, to be used for His glory and purpose. It is also a sobering reminder for me that left to my own devices, my own limited and fallible human understanding and imperfect knowledge of the whole picture, I am helpless, hopeless, empty, broken, forever scarred, unfulfilled and constantly dissatisfied.

That’s REALITY #1 and an obvious fact as well! Newspaper and TV reports show countless proof of this reality. 

CHOICE # 1 is admitting that I am NOT God – that’s why I mess up, time and again. And that’s why I gotta ‘fess up and be humble and courageous enough to say that ‘Yup, I messed up big time, I can’t successfully manage my life and that I NEED GOD.’ NOT once a week nor once a month! But I NEED Him and His power to change me moment by moment! Every single day, in each and every circumstance He allows me to go through!

And here’s what God has to say if we ‘fess up’ and admit to ourselves we’re not God and we don’t have complete power and control of our lives!

Isaiah 55: 6-7 (among my other favorites!)

“Seek the Lord while He may be found, call upon Him while He is near. Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; let him return to the Lord, and He will have MERCY on him; and to our God, for He will ABUNDANTLY PARDON.”

“Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them out of their distresses. (Psalm 107:6)

“But You O Lord are a God full of compassion and gracious, longsuffering and abundant in mercy and truth.” (Psalm 86:15)

** God’s PERFECT KNOWLEDGE of Man ** (one of the many reasons why HE IS GOD and we’re NOT!) ++ Psalm 139:1 – 10, 13 -16 (NIV)

“O Lord, You have searched me, and You know me.You know when I sit and when I rise;You perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down;You are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, You know it completely, oh Lord.  You hem me in – behind and before; You have laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence? If I go up to the heavens, You are there. If I make my bed in the depths, You are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn,If I settle on the far side of the sea, Even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast. (We have a song version of this in my home church and I love singing this as a lullaby-cum-prayer to my daughter now because the very words speak out God’s comforting love, assurance and constant presence in my life!)

(As the last few verses say, strictly speaking, there’s NOWHERE we can hide from Him!)

For You created my inmost being;  You knit me together in my mother’s womb.

(WOW..’knit together’ aka….Master Genetics Engineer down to the last chromosome and gene!)

I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place. (So what else really is there to hide from God?)

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be. (God-appointed DAYS, EACH SINGLE day we have!)

*** My..my….what else is our God capable of doing? EVERYTHING. What are we capable of doing? A better question would be: What am I an expert at?  (am grinning widely!) Attempting to CONTROL and RUN my life the best way I know how….which isn’t exactly God’s best!

Consequence – Mismanagement and bumpy rides, shoutouts, heartaches and tears, etc.

So here’s the BEST alternative yet!

CHOICE #2 is believing, admitting and accepting that Our ONLY HOPE and SALVATION really is in God alone through His Son Jesus Christ. That God alone IS our HOPE – this we must acknowledge. And what makes God our only source of Hope? His being Omniscient means that He KNOWS ALL about our situations/circumstances. His UNCONDITIONAL LOVE means that He CARES about us and our situations. And He simply does because it’s His very nature, it’s WHO HE IS.  No one on earth is fit to earn God’s love based on what we do (for we can never do, be or give enough to earn His love) or even based on our achievements, status or financial wealth but He is WHO He says He is – ‘God IS  love.’

And yup, I have HOPE because for sure, God CAN CHANGE me and my situation. ONLY HE has that power however. Not by my own strength (as has been proven over the years!) but by His.

Bottomline is – It’s SURRENDERING EVERYTHING to God. To quote the theme of a retreat I attended 3 years ago (oh! I should’ve recalled that siginificant MEMORY!!), ‘Letting go, LETTING GOD.’

Oh and a taste of God’s promises in the following verses below!

(2 Corinthians 12:9 NKJV – “My GRACE is SUFFICIENT for you, for My STRENGTH is made PERFECT in weakness.”)

(Hebrews 10:23 – ” He who promised is FAITHFUL.”)

(John 14:27 – “Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. LET NOT your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.“)

In everything, God has His divine reasons and purposes. And these verses in Ecclesiastes 3:1, 3 – 7, 11 (NKJV) are but a few of those reasons.

‘To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to cast away stones and a time to gather stones; a time to gain and a time to lose; a time to keep and a time to throw away; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak..’

“He has made EVERYTHING BEAUTIFUL in its time. Also He has PUT eternity in their hearts, EXCEPT that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end.”

And I’d like to include some quotes here from Our Daily Bread issues (January 1 and 2, 2010 and December 30, 2009)

++ We cannot erase a single moment of the year that is past.

We need not remain chained to our old memories because we CAN MOVE ahead FOCUSED on God.

** The roots of STABILITY come from being grounded in God’s WORD and PRAYER.

## Why do we sometimes go at it alone in life when at EVERY MOMENT we have ACCESS to God?

(Behold, I am with you and I will keep you wherever you go. – Genesis 28:15)

(I will never leave you nor forsake you. – Hebrews 13:5)

** Trials teach us what we are: they dig up the soil and let us see what we are made of. ^^ (Charles H. Spurgeon)

And I close this journal and reflection with a quote from St Augustine:

” FAITH is to BELIEVE what we do not see: the reward of this faith is to SEE what we BELIEVE.”

My final words on this reflection? Admit, accept, believe, receive and get plugged in to God. He offers you this indescribable, life-changing and liberating gift and it’s free!

Take it! Grab it with both hands if you wish! It’s all yours for the taking.

I did and have never regretted it to this day. Heart-praises and heart songs to you, Lord!

 

 

 

 

Empathy – Walking in Someone’s Shoes

(This was a reaction I wrote in my FB post. The reaction was about people judging and making unkind remarks, something I have personally experienced, not that the words were spoken to me but to my loved ones. Before I share my reaction, I’d like to include a part of my friend’s post that prompted my response.)

(Friend’s post)

To those who don’t know the whole story.

Until you have walked in our shoes and have felt the pain we feel, keep your cruel comments and opinions to yourself.
Ignorant people can be so cruel!! I’m posting to stop people from mocking and laughing at people for things beyond their control. I have two of these illnesses as do some of my friends. It’s a daily struggle being in pain or feeling sick on the inside while you look fine on the outside, an invisible illness like IBS, Crohn’s, PTSD, Anxiety, Arthritis, Cancer, Heart Disease, Bipolar, Depression, Diabetes, Lupus, Fibromyalgia, MS, AS, ME, , Epilepsy, hereditary angioedema , Migraines, Hashimotos, AUTISM, Borderline personality disorder, M.D.,D.D.D., CFS, Histiocytosis, O.D.D, A.D.H.D, RSD, Rheumatoid Arthritis, PBC,RLS ,COPD etc. Never judge.
Below is my reaction this post. (31 March 2016)

As I read this last night, I couldn’t help but vividly recall what I personally went through last February.
Our little one has been through a lot in her 1st 6 months – having been misdiagnosed with epilepsy on both sides of the brain at just over 2 months. Needless to say, she does not have it. What she had though was bronchiolitis and at just over 2 months, what she went through was something I had not experienced with my firstborn. Confined for 11 days, me on full time work with just the nanny as my other adult to depend on (hubby was back in UK at that time), I was truly and sincerely grateful for church and close friends from school who served as my support system. Without them, I would have succumbed to illness myself from lack of sleep and rest, not to mention the tension, anxiety and confusion in what was causing her illness at that time before being diagnosed.
This time around, out of some concerns, I decided to seek another professional help last February and again, was straightaway given a diagnosis.
As a teacher who taught preschool to Grade 6, I’ve had my share of special needs or developmentally challenged students. I’ve seen and in some ways felt the parents’ anguish and at times, helplessness, especially that of a mother’s. What a mother would do for her child who suffers from some form of illness – I truly understand. What and how a special needs child is like in a class is also heartbreaking and a very humbling experience as well.
As a mother, when I was told about my daughter having ‘Autism Spectrum Disorder with Global Developmental Delay,’ and her skills described as that of a 2.5 year-old, it was nothing short of devastating. It took me a few days to recover from that shock and thoroughly re-evaluate and re-read the doctor’s “observation notes” (which took place for just over 2 hours!) and diagnosis.
The only thing I could remember and think of at that very moment was: “I know now how my parent-mums must have felt when a similar diagnosis was given to her child.” This is how it feels like. That was the only thing I could think of then.
Like any mother-teacher-crusader out there, I did my own research and recalling my experiences with my students, parents and their therapists/doctors, one thing was very certain. This is what made me say to myself: “Wait a minute! Something is NOT right. What the doctor wrote on his notes didn’t describe my daughter at all, if he had really done an honest and thorough observation.” Surely, a 2.5-hour one time session could not warrant such a life-impacting diagnosis! It made me wonder and question how someone could very easily pronounce that a child has a lifetime condition that affects not just the child but the entire family. It’s as if the person was dispensing a cough or colds medicine. But that was beside the point.

And oh foolish me! I was too overwhelmed, shocked and surprised to hear that pronouncement on that day that I didn’t even say anything to refute or even question what the doctor wrote and ‘observed.’ I remember giving him a lot of details about what my daughter could do as opposed to what he expects her to do – drawing stick figures is definitely not within her age yet (she’s not even in Nursery and I don’t understand why she’s expected to have that skill!). Secondly, she can’t be expected to go out of the clinic alone to go to a public toilet for a pee! Goodness me! And yet, that was what the doctor expected of her – at 3 years and 1 month!

Looking back now, what I really loathed about myself then was that I allowed myself to take in all that and did not get the chance to question the basis of that diagnosis. After the initial shock had worn off and after lots of tears and prayers and dialogues with family and a few trusted friends, the ‘haze’ began to clear and I learned precious lessons about myself, God’s goodness, faithfulness and wisdom and yes, about opinions and advice that are first and foremost, GODLY, encouraging, kind and wise. They were like honey to my aching heart and soul back then.

That was a HUGE lesson for me as a parent and a mother.

It was God’s way of telling me straight off because a month before I was supposed to quit my job, I still wasn’t so convinced that quitting was the right decision. Well, that was telling it to my face – that experience!

There was no question about it. My role as a mother and nurturer to my own daughter is more important than my job or earning an income. God will provide. That experience sealed my conviction and my resolve –  that quitting my job and focusing on my daughter was the BEST decision I’ve had to make.

As her mother who carried her in my womb for 9 months and delivered her via natural birth WITHOUT any health issues and complications for both of us, I am convinced that Anya does not have the condition. A hard  and painful lesson learned indeed. It was like a gentle slap  (but a slap nevertheless!) on my face.

What she needed was me, her mother – to give her my full attention, dedication and care at this very significant stage in her life as she prepares for preschool. In the same way that I had my full attention to her kuya (big brother) those many years ago as he first learned his letters, numbers, rhymes & songs, poems and such.

To this day, the only reason I post my daughter’s activities in my FB account is as a validation of what she is NOT according to that ‘diagnosis.’

I pray that all the other mothers out there – whether or not your child/children have special needs/illness, will truly understand that NOTHING (yes, not all the toys and gadgets) comes close and can ever come close to just BEING THERE for our children – I mean physically being there to spend quality time with them and nurturing them especially at their developmental age/stage – pre-literacy and early literacy, and even as they grow older.

If there’s one huge lesson I learned not just from this experience but from my students as well, it is this – one common voice across the ages:

Our kids WANT US – our time, love, attention, care, listening ear, appreciation, affirmation and all those NON-MATERIAL things. (Oh I’ve heard this so many times from a lot of my students!). I’m not saying that having things is not a good thing – the right ones have their uses and advantages BUT they DO NOT come close to BEING THERE with them.

No offense to working mums but as a stay-at-home mom with my daughter now, I NOW TRULY have all the RESPECT and ADMIRATION for Stay-at-home-Mums and also those who home-school their kids, especially those who gave up lucrative and flourishing careers – just so they could nurture their children. I will nor be a stay-at-home mom for long (I wish I could because I am really just learning to embrace and enjoy this wonderful journey with little Anya!) and this is why I am embracing all of this with arms wide open, thankful for each new day we have together and anticipating what each and every adventure and misadventure (oh the neighbor’s Billie goat was one of a kind and a first even for me!) brings us! I remind myself that come July, I will surely surely MISS all this!

Lastly, this reaction to a friend’s post is also my way of saying that yes, though my daughter does not have an illness/developmental delay, I’ve seen, been and am with people who have and yes, until you know the whole story or have WALKED in their shoes, the best thing we can offer is KINDNESS and UNDERSTANDING. So unless we know WHAT IT’S LIKE, it’s best to KEEP our unkind, selfish, inconsiderate thoughts and words to ourselves. Or better yet, get out there and WALK in that person’s shoes first. I agree, NEVER JUDGE. And if I may add, PITYING them is also another thing they DON’T need.

Psalm 139:14

THEN (2013) 5 hours old

NOW 3 years and 3 months

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

 

 

Another Milestone for Anya

6 April 2016

Time flies fast indeed. Today is little one’s 1st day of summer school for a month. Nappy-less since 2.6 yrs old, she is now learning a little bit of independence each day at 3 years and 3 months today. One of her favourite sentences is, “I do it…I do it…or sometimes she’ll say it in Ilonggo (our local dialect), “Ako lang, ako lang!”

Even on her 1st ballet class yesterday, I realised how she has become more confident and though we are together every single day and closer with our bond now as mother and daughter than when I used to work, I was very proud of the way she handled herself. Though she is one of the youngest among her group of 3 – 5 years old, when it was time for them to go inside the ballet studio, she only looked out for me once and went into the class without much of a fuss. A few kids older than her had to be prodded and dragged their moms/nannies/caregivers with them to the studio but little Anya happily and excitedly sauntered into the studio all by herself.

Today, she was only too curious and happy to be with kids her age. She was the first one in the line as her teacher rounded them up and followed instructions without any trouble. Just like in her Sunday School class last Sunday, she took the teacher’s hand whom she had just met, glanced at me just once for assurance and off she went with nary a second look.😅

❤ And oh my, oh my—- singing and being in the worship team while preggy with her must have rubbed off on her. She had a BLAST clapping, jumping, dancing and “singing” as her group joined the adult service (in a huge.auditorium!) praise & worship time. Another proof she doesn’t have ASD.😑 So much for all the misdiagnosis she’s had! (next post)
Truly, a mother’s heart and God’s inerrant wisdom is far more better than any ‘gloomy.fotecasts’!
Likr every child regardless of condiion, she is FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made in her Father’s image.
THANK YOU SO MUCH Lord for this priceless and precious blessing and gift and for the time I get to have with her for these last months before we go back and as she prepares for her preschool. YOU ARE TRULY WONDERFUL & FAITHFUL in EVERYTHING.
Many many THANKS to everyone who prayed for and with us for her and for all the encouragement and godly advice and inspiration.
‪#‎majorthanks ‪#‎GodisGood ‪#‎greatlyencouraged ‪#‎favoured