THE Most Awaited Day!

After a few days and weeks of anxious waiting, I finally receive a text message – a confirmation that a decision has been made but whether that decision is a YES (we’re good to go!) or a NO (which will be utterly devastating, heartbreaking and completely disappointing!) is yet to be seen. Until I hold that very thing in my hands and see what I (along with my husband and daughter) so desperately and eagerly HOPE to see, the suspense right now is enough to drive me crazy, restless, suspended and all-shivery.

It is THE most awaited day because the decision I receive will be completely life-changing. As I hope and trust in my Father’s love, faithfulness and promises in receiving a favorable and positive decision, in the dark recesses of mind are those slivers of dark doubts and fears, thoughts of ‘what if’s…..’ I cannot bear to think of these ‘what if’s’. If I allow myself to dwell on them, they are definitely enough to obliterate whatever hope remains in my heart. It is beyond heartbreaking. It is depressing!

This life-changing decision at this point (still unknown as I wait for it to be delivered) will either move us forward or take us backward and bring us back to square one, the latter being definitely undesirable and loathsome.

There are other challenges after this but I take it one day and one step at a time. I must face THIS most awaited day first and from there, determine by asking God’s help, wisdom and favor once again to overcome the next challenges.

At this point, I am totally dependent on God and God alone – His mercy, grace, strength, wisdom and provision for EVERYTHING we need.

And I have nothing except God’s promises and faithful words to hold on to. Literally nothing. This time around, whatever happens beginning with the result of the decision is and only will be because of God’s grace and faithfulness.

Mind-boggling as it may seem as to how and where the rest will come but one thing I know, if it is God’s will and purpose, He will provide. I remember an inspirational quote mentioned to me a few times by sisters and friends in the Lord, “Where God leads, He provides.”

This particular season in my life will literally be all dependent on God’s provision. I know and admit I messed up big time on one area and should have been more responsible and wise, should have heeded His promptings, but though it sounds cliche, the ‘should haves’ are really all water under the bridge, there’s really no going back and mulling over them is pointless and unproductive. I can only move forward learning this terrible but huge lesson as I enter this new season in my life.

My constant prayer is that He sees me through each and every step of the way because this time, everything is really in my Father’s hands. By this I mean that I surrender everything to Him – there is nothing here in my situation and season that I have complete control of.

The story unfolds in the next couple of days. And below are just some of the promises I will have to keep claiming and praying aloud each day (as I have been doing the in the last couple of months!).

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Philippians 4:19

“And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.”

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Psalm 55:22

“Cast your burden on the Lord and He will sustain you, He will never let the righteous be shaken.”

Psalm 27: 13- 14

“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”

 

 

Dream Escape

In the stillness of the night,

Do you hear my voice

Calling out your name

Wishing you sweet good night?

Amidst both hushed voices and the noise

I gently whisper your name.

 

As you cuddle in your bed

And quietly close your eyes

Remember what I have said

In prayer does your soul find

Release from all the day’s troubles

Relief from the day’s thorns and stubbles.

 

In the midst of your deepest dreams

I pray we both are joyfully together

Away from the cares of reality

Unaware of time, but only of forever

For only in this can I hopefully

Hold you and have you, so it seems.

 

Isn’t it incredulous and incredible

That a feeling so persistent like this could exist?

One I never even thought at all possible

To be felt and experienced, I resist!

Great is the struggle, the tension too strong –

Pray’r that’s been uttered for far too long!

 

Can a song be sung without its melody?

Can the moon shine without the sun?

Can there be waves without the wind?

What is this thing that speaks to me,

That touches my heart like nothing can?

It comes and seeks me unceasingly!

 

And yet when I try to reach out

As a flower would towards the sun,

I grasp nothing but empty air –

In pain I cry and shout,

But he does not hear

Nor does he care.

 

So I retreat to my world of silence

Where nothing is seen, heard nor spoken,

Better to have the empty, lonely absence

Than seek for a far-reaching heart

That can never be given!

 

But here in my dreams we meet,

The only place I dare to visit,

Where anything and everything is possible,

Where hopes and prayers join and meet

Where the world is bright and beautiful.

(West Jakarta, 7 January ’05, 3.30 am)

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My Father’s Heart

Jeremiah 31:3 (NIV)

The Lord appeared to us in the past saying, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.”

Isaiah 55:6 (CEV) “Turn to the Lord! He can still be found. Call out to God! He is near.”

(NIV) “Seek the Lord while He may be found; call upon Him while He is near.”

Jeremiah 29:13 (NIV) “And you will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart.”

 

As you lay in your bed at night exhausted,

I sang the sweetest lullabies to soothe your spirit,

As you gratefully closed your weary eyes,

I gently and lovingly cradled you on your bed,

And yet, your felt Me not.

 

As you woke each morning to a new day,

I sent you a gentle, tender kiss in the morning breeze,

Showed you a breathtaking sunrise

To cheer and inspire you throughout the day,

The sun’s warmth to chase away

Your tears and sighs,

And still, you felt Me not.

 

I showed you the warmth of My love

In your mother’s eyes it shone!

‘Twas but a small measure of My great love –

To tell you that I cared as you have always known,

And yet, oblivious you were to Me.

 

In your sorrow and grief,

I was that friend

Who hugged you and held on

Tightly to your hand

That you would never dare let go

As you were meant to keep on

To laugh and dream, to hope and live!

I was that strong shoulder

You unabashedly wept on,

And yet, you did not know.

 

I would have gladly and joyfully

Given you the stars and more,

But you asked Me not for anything,

I was the Captain that steered your

Storm-battered ship safely to shore,

I was your Beacon when all the other

Lights sputtered and went out –

And yet, you remembered Me not.

 

I was that shred of persistent Hope

When all else in your life you doubted,

When it seemed you could not cope

I sent you joyful memories to be recounted –

Of good will and kindness, laughter and cheers,

Received from family and peers –

And still, you remembered Me not.

 

And now, as I sigh with

Longing for you to remember Me,

You knock at My door, so suddently

At first, timidly and hesitantly

And finally increasing in loudness

I knew you would come even before

You clasped your hands in prayer,

Long before your first tear

Fell from your pain-filled eyes,

You would come looking for Me.

 

I too felt the pain and hurt, even your ‘Why’s?’

And with all My mercy and tenderness

Surrounding you then, now and forever –

I am telling you again –

I have always been here for you.

(West Jakarta, 7 January ’05)

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Downpouring

Psalm 119:50 

(CEV) “When I am hurting,  I find comfort in your promise that leads to life.”

(NIV) “My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.”

(NKJV) “This is my comfort in my affliction, for Your word has given me life.”

Isaiah 26: 3- 4 (CEV)

“The Lord gives perfect peace to those whose faith is firm. So always trust the Lord because he is forever our mighty rock.”

 

As rain falls softly on the ground

So my tears come without a sound,

As the clouds grow ever so darker

So my heart gets fainter and heavier.

 

As water seeps into unseen crevices

Silently, fear and pain creeps up

To chase whatever’s left of promises,

And give in to gloom that would not stop.

 

Flashes of lightning, peals of thunder

Break forth from angry, sodden skies!

Torrential rain – ceaseless and growing stronger

As does the free-flowing tears from my eyes.

 

Let them fall! Sweep like an angry whirlpool,

As I soak myself wet under the rain,

So I drown and drench in tears that fall

And afterwards find release from all this pain!

 

For as the rain cleanses and sweeps away

The filth, dust, soot, grime and dirt,

So does my silent tears carry away

My heart’s heaviness, aches and hurt.

 

Soon after the deluge comes sweet peace –

A stillness and calm that brings hope,

Then a glimmer of ray you cannot miss

Appears in the sky – a reason for hope!

 

Indeed, after the downpour, the heavy rains

Comes rest, silence, comfort and peace –

Rays of sunlight warming the plains

As the glorious rainbow brings welcome bliss!

 

In this, my tears and the rain tell a story

That no one save my heart can tell,

After the rain comes the splendor and glory

After the tears, my heart does grow well.

 

(West Jakarta, 7 January ’05)

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Hideaway Adventures (Library Talk)

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I’ve always believed that literacy is where it all begins. The passion for learning begins with being able to read and eventually, to write. My teaching experience over many years also drove home one very important factor in literacy development and in raising children/students who are passionate readers and learners – that it all begins at home. But where it is lacking at home, the school as a whole can do something (many things, in fact given the resources) to develop a love for reading in our students.

However, teaching in a school where English is a second language, strengthening the reading program became one of the main concerns of all subject teachers, particularly those teaching English (Language and Communication Arts) including myself. How do we encourage and motivate students to develop a love for reading? How do we encourage and develop a strong reading culture in the school? These were some of the questions we faced when I spearheaded the Students’ Library Club. In fact, the club itself was created and organized for these reasons.

To get the member students completely immersed in the club they joined, we got them involved in the library revamp. They had hands on experience with grouping, sorting, classifying, labeling, re-arranging and stacking of all kinds of books from preschool to primary 6, fiction and non-fiction. This way, as student librarians, all of them were familiar with how their library was set up and could easily and happily guide their classmates and friends in locating books. They also had duty schedules and they all helped out the students in taking out and returning books. And as they were the ones who got to sort out, classify and cover newly-arrived books, they had the privilege of getting hold of fresh hot copies or what they called newly acquired books. That didn’t end there, they also got to promote these new arrivals to their friends and that sure helped spread the news as quickly as possible! They eagerly posted new titles on the notice board just outside the library.

It was always a pleasure to see kids rushing to the library because their student librarian friends had told them about such and such a book. Together with the daily morning DEAR/USSR (Drop Everything and Read/Uninterrupted Sustained Silent Reading) program that was conscientiously implemented in the school along with literary circles in reading classes, there was a significant improvement indeed in the reading culture among the students. Over time, parents got involved and were only too happy to support these programs. We invited book distributors for book fairs/festivals and book talks which were also warmly supported by the parents.

I don’t have the statistics to prove how effective these programs became but I have personally seen a lot of evidence namely:

1) Students becoming avid readers (or at the very least, reluctant readers regularly visiting the library and borrowing books)

2) Improvement in reading comprehension and writing (this came as a gradual progress that went over several years) as evidenced in better/improved scores in assessments

3) Most, if not all, students, attending the daily morning assembly for DEAR/USSR with books (either personal or borrowed from library) to read

4) More students visiting the library every day either during recess, lunch or dismissal and

5) More students borrowing books every day

So, to further encourage our student librarians and the whole primary school, I wrote this poem and it was also posted on the library notice board.

 

 

 

After school, we student librarians are busy as bees,

Going to and fro, moving and re-arranging,

On the chairs, on the floor, we’re everywhere!

Busy hands cutting, grouping, staking, sticking,

Hauling piles of books into a corner, gee whiz!

 

Pleased and delighted to find treasures inside,

Piles of mystery books and more to seek out,

The most wonderful school in place to hide?

The library is the coolest hideaway no doubt!

 

Here you get to time-travel like nowhere else,

From Azerbaijan, Timbuktu and to Zambia you go!

Countless topics from battery cells to plant cells,

Young investigators happily meet here, you know!

 

Bored, curious, eager, seeking, questioning minds,

We librarians gladly and joyfully welcome you all,

For ours is the only place with a thousand finds,

Where a thousand and one adventures beckon and call!

(West Jakarta – July ’04)

Questions

In preparation for another move, I had no choice but to sort out my remaining personal stuff and decide which of them I must keep and bring with me and what needs to go (mostly to be donated).

And to my surprise, aside from piles of photos (some of them even in black and white – yes, amazing how many years’ worth of them I didn’t know still existed!), documents and all, I found well-preserved copies of my more or less ‘prolific writing years’. Notebooks, school magazine clippings, scraps of papers, etc. Since I didn’t have a computer back then, my writings were either handwritten or typed. I have yet to go through each and every single one and I’m pretty sure years of memories will come flooding back to me – some funny and good, some definitely unpleasant but that’s the way life is. We don’t always get sunny days and rainbow-filled skies. Dark storms and dry seasons are just as  important for our personal growth and maturity.

I am sharing this poem here that I wrote many years ago and as I read it over and over trying to remember what inspired me to write this particular piece, a boy’s scowling face came to mind.

I remember how he hurt deep inside. He always preferred to be left alone. Others labeled him as anti-social, that he just couldn’t be bothered, couldn’t care less what everyone else said, did or got involved with. He hardly smiled much less engage with anyone in the class and no coaxing and encouragement got to him. Before Lady Gaga came out with the ‘Poker Face’ song, this boy’s face was exactly that. If it wasn’t that, it was scowling. Belligerent even. As if he was ready to pounce on anyone who dared him. Of course, nobody did. That was mainly because he also avoided his classmates as if they had the bubonic plague.

I was stumped. I just didn’t know how I could get through him. If I even could. But his face cried, “I’m seething inside. Please reach out to me.” It was by far one of my most challenging times as a class adviser.

I made small talk and for a long time, I didn’t get any answers. Just a look and then silence.

“Good morning… Good bye…See you tomorrow….Enjoy your weekend/holiday/break….How are you feeling today? Would you like to play with your classmates?” And all sorts of simple questions.

And finally, like a most beautiful and glorious sunrise breaking through the dark sky, he greeted me back, “Good morning, Ms.” I was soooo ecstatic with these three short words, so ordinary and yet so meaningful they just made my day! It made my heart smile! I remember silently thanking God for answering my prayers about this boy!

His love tank has been empty for as long as he could remember. “I’m a phantom at home. Nobody sees me, nobody hears me, nobody cares,” were his very own words. “I’m unwanted, nothing but a nuisance, an accident that happened.” From what I recall, he shared that his parents were almost always never at home (on business trips) and if they were, having meals together was as rare as a blue moon as he said. Despite the absence of affection and love at home, he was expected to obey and to never ask questions.

He was a good kid and quite smart, in fact but had no motivation to excel for obvious reasons. Counseling was eventually done to help him open up but reaching out to the parents was the hardest part. They just didn’t (or didn’t want to) have the time. The rest of his class rose to the occasion and became his encouragers. Bless their kind souls and accepting hearts!

And so, this is how the poem below was born.

 

 

 

I dare not ask for I am young

Early on I learned the world of silence

Questions have ceased, forever hung

Too soon I learned the word ‘obedience.’

 

And yet, give me the chance to ask, I plead

For so much needs to be spoken out loud

Like geysers wanting to burst forth

A thousand and one queries I hold and keep

In my young, wandering, ever-curious mind.

 

If peace they say makes the world go ’round

Then why do bombs, guns and terror abound?

If honorable men tirelessly seek peace for others,

Why isn’t there solace from all cares and troubles?

 

If love they say is the absence of hate

Why all these wars, a senseless, tragic fate!

Can love be the strongest force there is?

And yet here on Earth, it’s so terribly amiss!

 

If joy and mirth are life’s cheerful crowns,

Why all these murmurs, scowls and frowns?

Is life too harsh, too cruel and too unfair,

That no one else dares to care and share?

 

Forgive me now if I dared ask

And added yet another weary task

To a heart that’s so heavily-burdened

From all of life’s toils and hurts without end.

 

But one final puzzle frightens me the most

Haunting me endlessly like a terrifying ghost

A scary, frightening secret I dare to share

And give an answer, if you so dare.

 

If everyone is so much in dire need

Of sweet peace, warm love and joy so deep,

Who will listen, take awhile and heed?

Who’s left to hold me while I sleep?

 

What dreams do I dare to dream at night

When fearful shadows surround my fretful heart?

What lyrics and tune can my voice sing out

When horrid phantoms cloud whatever’s left of light?

 

Elisha (West Jakarta, ’04)

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